Thirty Years so Far, Thirty More to Go.

The Magic…………

Hold Hands……Entwining your fingers when holding hands creates a connection of constant contact. Whether walking along a road or just sitting holding hands, the touch keeps a constant communication, a flow of electricity, between each other. A gentle squeeze or small tug can communicate enormous yet private feelings without ever uttering a word!

Pursue Romance…..Romance is everywhere in a healthy marriage. Intimacy can begin while digging in the garden, exchanging volleys on a tennis court, twirling across a dance floor, watching your daughter take her first steps or creating a recipe in the kitchen. It is the full sharing of the moment that makes it “just yours” that creates the intimacy and leads to the romantic magic of marriage.

Keep Your Personal Priorities Straight…….God First, Spouse second, Kids Third, Family Fourth, Close Friends Fifth, then whatever. Build a hedge of protection around these important people and defend them with all your heart. Repel invaders such as electronic devices, hobbies, destructive habits and, sometimes, even well intended friends. Time and energy are too precious to waste on anything but the highest priorities.

Keep Your Shared Priorities Straight……Too much has been written about money problems in marriage. Money often is not the problem. Having different priorities that lead to how money is going to be spent is the real problem. Talk long and talk often about what is important to you, listen to what is important to your spouse, compromise and commit….and keep the commitments! Over 30 years lots of priorities change. Communicating and moving as one is what makes it work!

Live Below your Means….Start out with this commitment to each other and keep it. Accountability to each other is hard along the way but during the tough times, having financial margin will save the day (and the relationship)!

Learn to say “I Love You, (insert name)”….make these words the first words your spouse hears in the morning, the last words your spouse hears at night and often hears in surprise midday calls, secret notes hidden in random places and soft whispers in the middle of the night. Always saying her name reminds her it is for her and only her!

Learn some other Important Phrases…….”Please”, “Thank You” and “I’m Sorry”. These are common courtesies we use with people all around us everyday but all too often we forget to use with people in priorities one through four above. Say “please” even if it is expected, say “thank you” whether it is needed or not and say your “I’m sorry” even when you’re not entirely sure what you did wrong. This advice is particularly directed to us husbands!

Be Partners…….Each member of the marriage has different gifts, talents and passions. Understand what each of you is good at, appreciate/celebrate the differences, py up the work and trust each other to do whatever it is as well as they can for the good of both of you. Sometimes neither of you are good at some things, then celebrate those things too (and hire someone else to do that stuff)

Give Grace, Accept Grace…….Marriages of 30+ years have “moments” that cause tension, disappointment, feeling of failure, unmet expectations etc. Grace, the giving of undeserved forgiveness, is sometimes all there is to do. You have to be always ready to give it and to receive it. If not, the alternative is a cancer of guilt that will grow and consume your relationship.

Always Assume Forever……The wedding has vows that are given to each other but are given as a commitment to God. You become one in His eyes. If you accept the “forever” in that commitment, the priorities, the grace, the hand holding, the “hedge of protection” and the partnership all become easier.

Make Marriage an Adventure……For some that means exotic travel or wild rides. For us, it has been being side by side, living in the moment, keeping our priorities and having GPS (God’s Power Steering). That always leads to unexpected adventure!

As a wedding coordinator I am almost always at the back of the ceremony site running around to ensure the event starts on time and everyone is in their place.  I can honestly say nothing irks me more recently than guests who stroll in on their own schedule.  Never have I ever started a wedding without having a group arriving late, so this expectation I understand and fully support.

Weddings are interesting time wise because if you are in the wedding party you have been up since 8 am prepping for the big walk down the aisle.  You usually end up sitting around the church or ceremony site for around 4 hours taking pictures, getting dressed and doing a lot of waiting.  You will always have certain guests arriving 45 – 30 minutes prior to the start time and you will always have the late comers.  Why this is such a sore point for me personally is nowadays unless you are hosting a catholic wedding, most ceremonies are around 25 – 35 minutes.  If you arrive even 10 minutes late you have missed 1/3 of the main event.

Most wedding have a time range of about 10 – 15 minutes before the start where you will have a rush of everyone arriving which will create lines and will back up the seating time a bit. By planning ahead and expecting this rush you can usually get everyone in their seats with enough time.

You know if your family tends to be late.  As a bride, make sure you tell your wedding planner or designated person your ‘must haves’ to walk down the aisle.  Maybe you won’t mind as much if cousin Joe or friend Fred isn’t in his seat yet, but you refuse to walk down the aisle until Grandma Dianne is in her seat.  Once everyone on your main list has been seated than anyone else that arrives late will kindly have to wait in the back until there is a good chance for them to sneak in the back, hopefully not interrupting.

There is no fashionably late when it comes to a wedding.  As a guest you need to leave yourself enough time to have a buffer in case traffic hits or you get lost.  No one wants to be “that person” walking in late, pulling the attention from the bride and groom.  Trust me, next time you will want to be on time!

This is not an unrealistic expectation.  Expecting the focus to be on  you, on YOUR wedding day does not seem out of line, but there are numerous brides that become bridezillas due to this expectation not being met.

YES you are the bride and the day is about you

YES you spent the past year preparing for this day and planning every detail

YES you have a lot of money invested in the day

YES you have been working out, tanning and beautifying so that you look your best on this day

YES you attended everyone else’s wedding and centered the attention on them, now it is your turn

Now I am going to make a side-note that I am asking you to understand – Everyone else has their lives happening at the same time as your wedding. Although this is an obvious statement – some brides take the ‘Focus on me’ to the extreme and want everyone else’s lives to be put on hold.  There is a difference between wanting the focus to be on you and being selfishly ignorant of others emotions, relationships and problems around you.

This is a hard expectation to write about because there are bridesmaids that get jealous and attempt to dramatically steal the attention – trust me I’ve seen it!  But there are also bridesmaids and family members that genuinely want the focus to be on their bride but may have a tough situation going on in their own life.  This expecation I believe is a two way street – Brides need to realize that lives do go on and be patient, but bridesmaids and family need to realize that there is a huge expectation of every bride to want the attention on them, just for the day.

What do you think – is this truly a two way street?

This may seem like a selfish expectation to those who have not yet planned a wedding. But when your time comes and you put a year into organizing your wedding and an average of $30,000+ for the day, you may be surprised how your expectations will change.

I have heard numerous people quote an etiquette belief – when attending a wedding in New York for example that your gift as a guest is expected to be equal to the amount that the host is spending per person at the wedding.  So if you estimate that the reception price is around $100 per person your gift should reflect the same.  I would love to hear from others if this etiquette expectation is true and if so where it is practiced.

I don’t necessarily believe that you have to look solely at cost and numbers when you attend a wedding but I do think that by accepting an invitation, as a thoughtful gesture you should give the couple a gift of celebration.  It is assumed you have up to one year to give your gift, so if you don’t show up with an elegant box don’t fret.  I remember I received a gift 8 months after my wedding and it was a fabulous surprise and I was just as grateful 8 months later for the thought.

What are your thoughts/experiences on expectations of bringing gifts to a wedding?

As a bride you go into your wedding with many expectations of the planning process, of the guests attending, and of the final day itself.  I want to know what a few of those expectations are – and if they played out as planned!

Choose up to 3 answers that are related to your expectations – and leave a comment with whether or not they came true.